K-K-K-KATIE

I came to be Katie’s Mom in a completely natural way—I fell in love with her Dad. Katie as well as her brother, Andrew, was adopted by Ed and his first wife, Joan, through Dillon adoption agency which specializes in international adoptions. Joan died suddenly of cardiomyopathy when Katie was only two and Andrew was five. Joan’s death hit all three of them very hard. Andrew and Katie were shell-shocked to lose their second mother so soon after finding her, and Ed was ill-equipped to bring up two small children on his own. Nonetheless, the family, with the help of friends and a nanny (who had her eye on Ed), was coping admirably when I came into the picture.

I had enrolled my daughter, Ali, at DCW Montessori School when she was four. I had heard about the school from a good friend whose opinion I valued; and even though it was difficult for me to afford, I thought it worth the expense. In addition, when I moved from an apartment in Dallas to a townhouse in Duncanville, DCW was on my way to work. As the single mother of a biracial daughter, I was looking for a truly multi-cultural and multi-faceted school and DCW fit the bill.

Soon after Ali started attending the school and one day as we were driving home, she told me about Andrew and Katie’s mother dying. It was during that conversation that Ali told me that Andrew and Katie were Korean and adopted. I could only imagine what their father was going through having to deal with the death of his wife as well as the grief of his small children. My heart went out to him. I must say, as a single woman with a small child of my own, I was also intrigued and anxious to meet him. My chance came rather quickly at a PTA meeting. He was handsome, kind and interested in me!

On our first date in December, Ed took me to the Opera, La Traviata—I was impressed. I was also impressed that he didn’t want to rush anything—we took it real slow. It was three months before he even kissed me. Once we realized the chemistry, however, things picked up speed. All three of the kids were in favor of the romance. They giggled and teased when they saw us holding hands or whispering in each other’s ear. Ali had always wanted a family—with a mother, father, brother and sister. She had even tried to pick up a few when we were out together—following after families when I wasn’t looking. Andrew and Katie obviously needed a mother. Katie crawled into my lap after our first date and tried to win me over with her gap-toothed grin. The kids also enjoyed each other’s company and absolutely loved the slumber parties. By June it was obvious we were ready to take the next step so Ali and I moved into their house.

I must say there were times when going from one child to three seemed like a monumental challenge, but I hung in there and persevered. In September, in my birthday card, Ed asked me if I wanted to go pick out a ring; we were married the following March. In August when I adopted Andrew and Katie and Ali changed her last name to Ed’s, we made our new family official. That’s when the real work started. Up to that time it almost seemed like we were playing house.

Katie has had health challenges from the beginning of her life; she was born with a birth defect—cleft lip and palate. From her file at Eastern Social Welfare Society in Korea, we know that Katie’s birth mother didn’t realize anything was wrong until after she was born. It came as a complete surprise to her as prenatal care and nutrition were good. Ed and Joan were fine with adopting a special-needs kid. They knew that in the United States Katie would have access to the best possible medical care. By the time she was one-year-old, Katie had had two surgical procedures—one to close her lip and the other to close her palate. I have seen pictures of Katie both before and after her operations. Luckily she had an excellent, world-class surgeon and today most people aren’t even aware of her former problems.

From the time I first met Katie, it was obvious she was a very needy child. Even that first time she climbed onto my lap, I felt a tug that made me wince just a little. She always hugged me tighter than I felt comfortable being hugged—perhaps I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deliver. She would ask me if I liked a picture she had done, and then she would examine my facial features to make sure I wasn’t lying. Because of the abandonment issues with her birth Mom and later with Joan, I think Katie needed more love and reassurance than the typical child. She had had a lot to deal with in her young life.

Early on in our relationship, I sensed a rebellious streak in Katie. She wanted to be in charge—she wanted to be the one with the power. Unfortunately, because of the way I was parented, I thought the goal of the parent was to discipline the child so you could always count on them to do what you wanted them to do. I had never had any problems with Ali in this regard. She loved me so much she wanted to please me. Katie, on the other hand, had her own ideas about just about everything. And because she was powerless regarding so many things that had happened in her life, she wanted to be in complete control of the ones she could.

One of our first power struggles involved her wardrobe. Katie was determined to pick out her own clothes—no matter how they didn’t match. I can’t believe I even cared—but at the time, I felt like the way she looked was a reflection on me. We also fought over what she ate. Because my Dad would make me sit at the table until I had eaten all my dinner, I did the same with Katie. She grew to see me as an adversary in a game of war rather than as a loving mother. Her next tactic was lying to me. Whenever I caught her, I made her write, “I will not tell a lie”, 100 times or more. Not surprisingly it didn’t seem to help. We struggled in our relationship to say the least.

As Katie continued to mature, our interactions changed. I sensed she truly did care what I thought even while pretending not to. I think it was then that our relationship began to heal. Her older brother, Andrew, was an angry child. He acted out with temper tantrums and a complete disregard for the rules, so naturally he became the “black sheep” of the family. Ali excelled in school and gymnastics. She was a Level 10 Junior Olympic National Finalist and later the Salutatorian of her class. How could Katie compete with that? Ali and Andrew were also excellent musicians. They both opted to go to the prestigious Booker T. Washington High School for the Performing and Visual Arts and major in piano. Katie also played but didn’t have the drive or passion for it that both of them had. She struggled to find her place in the family and in the world; she wanted us to be proud of her.

Katie tried a number of activities to discover her niche. We enrolled her in ice skating lessons when she was very young. We figured if Ali could be the next Dominique Dawes, Katie could be the next Kristi Yamagouchi. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately because of the expense of the sport, she didn’t take to it like a “duck to water”. After a few years, Katie tried gymnastics advancing to Level 6. I always thought she did it more for the social life than anything else, although I am sure that it helped her self confidence and stage presence. After she quit gymnastics, she took Tae Kwon Do with Andrew, advancing from white to yellow to green belt. But she still hadn’t found that one thing she was better at than anybody else.

Katie was always a very demonstrative child. Everything she did was larger than life. She was also domineering and even pushy at times. When the kids were little, I was often surprised to see Ali and Andrew following her suggestions without too much argument. Many times she told them what to do and they did it—even though she was younger than Ali by two years and Andrew by three. She didn’t like to read like the other two—she preferred to watch TV. Although we tried to discourage her, if left alone, she would watch one soap opera after another. Through it all, I sensed a deep-seated lack of confidence that she hid with acting and bravura.

Katie was also extremely sensitive. She would imagine slights that were never intended. She thought people were staring at her—at us—because she was Asian and we weren’t. Katie admonished us often if we didn’t act like she thought we should act or dress like she thought we should dress. Other people’s opinions were extremely important to her. She could turn on you in an instant if she thought you were slighting her or comparing her unfairly. I often thought if looks could kill, I would be dead a thousand times over. But Katie also has a sweet, caring side and a heart of gold.

When Katie was in 4th grade, her craniofacial surgeon performed his third surgery on Katie. At that time, a piece of Katie’s hip bone was used to shore up her gum ridge. While her hospital stay was only one night, her inability to eat solid foods lasted three months. She drank many milk shakes and ate her dinner from a blender. A few years later and during the July before her freshman year, Katie had jaw surgery—a much more complicated and serious operation. During the surgery, her jaw was broken in four places. She was in the ICU for two days and in the hospital for an additional three. Her liquid diet lasted a full six months—well into her freshman year. She wore a retainer which made it difficult for her to talk for three of her four high school years. Through all the surgeries, Katie was stoic. She seemed to “make mountains out of molehills” but the big things she handled like a champ.

While Andrew and Ali got their drivers’ licenses and made friends, Katie felt increasingly sorry for herself. While Andrew and Ali roamed the streets with their friends and did exciting things, she was “stuck home with us”. We tried to tell her that her turn would come, but it didn’t seem to help her deal with the present. It was during this phase that we dubbed Katie “the drama queen”. Everything that happened to her seemed larger than life.

One summer while Katie was still quite young, we enrolled her in an acting class at the Dallas Children’s Theatre. She enjoyed it immensely and was very excited about the play the class performed the last day of the session. The whole family came to watch and Katie was “the center of attention”, a place she felt increasingly comfortable. We even bought her flowers—the first bouquet of many. Fortuitously, Shakespeare on the Go, the educational arm of Shakespeare in the Park, gave a workshop at Katie’s grade school when she was in the 7th grade. The kids worked after school for a couple of months to put on a shortened version of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. It was a rough production, as most of the kids had no previous acting training, but again Katie put her heart and soul into it. By the time she was in the 8th grade and working on “Romeo and Juliet”, although she agonized over it, she decided to audition for the Acting cluster at the same Arts high school her brother and sister attended.

I must say I was quite nervous about her decision. Mr. Brown, the middle school piano teacher, had assumed that Katie would follow in Andrew and Ali’s footsteps. He was annoyed and angry with her when she decided to “march to a different drummer”. We knew Katie would automatically be admitted to the Music cluster because of her talented brother and sister, but the Acting cluster was quite another animal—one we knew very little about. She had very little experience—and the experience she did have didn’t amount to much. Griener Middle School had an Arts focus and we knew many of those auditioning would come from there. Katie had never auditioned for anything before—how would she hold up under the pressure? And if she didn’t make it, how would she handle it?

I like to think I helped a little. In college I had taken acting and had even performed in a 2-person play. When I was younger, I took acting lessons at the Children’s Theatre Workshop in Toledo, Ohio and was the “Blue Fairy” in a filmed for Television version of Pinocchio. I knew my way around the theatre world a bit. For the audition, Katie had to perform a monologue and be interviewed by faculty members. I helped her with the monologue until she was quite proficient; we also practiced the interview with me asking and her answering my questions. By the day of the audition I can honestly say she wasn’t half bad. While I bit my fingernails and worried, Katie had the time of her life. After four hours when the kids were finally released, there was no turning back. Katie had found her niche—she was accepted into the acting program of the Arts Magnet High School.

It would be nice to say that everything went smoothly during Katie’s high school years but that wouldn’t be the truth. While Andrew disrupted the household during his senior year with bouts of drinking, pot smoking and truancy; Katie was quietly going through her own private hell. She started being unable to eat without vomiting and her stomach started growing at an alarming rate. During her first doctor visits, we were told it was probably anxiety or stress. It was true she was under a lot of stress as the household was being turned upside down by Andrew’s antics and Katie had always been especially sensitive to her environment. It seemed a plausible explanation. As her stomach continued to grow and her periods stopped, we surmised (although she didn’t even have a boyfriend) she might be pregnant. Again, thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Finally, when her fingernails and toenails started falling off, we decided to get to the bottom of it. We took her to see Dr. Russo, a pediatric gastroenterologist.

During numerous endoscopies, colonoscopies and biopsies, we discovered, to our dismay, that Katie had a digestive tract filled with hundreds of polyps, some of them quite large. Dr. Russo and his partners studied Katie’s stomach and small and large intestines and scratched their heads. They had never seen anything like it. During the biopsies it was discovered that she has two different sets of symptoms and no one seems to understand how they are connected. The production of polyps in her digestive tract is probably caused by the diagnosis of Juvenile Polyposis Syndrome, a genetic disorder for which there is no cure. An increased risk of cancer of the colon is associated with JPS. Her other diagnosis is Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, a relatively newly-discovered disease whereby the digestive tract of the individual attacks eaten food as if it were a parasite. From a blood test it was determined that Katie was allergic to wheat, eggs, dairy, peanuts and soy! What a lot to ask of a teenager. But again, Katie surprised me and rose to the occasion.

So for the next two years, Katie was on a very strict diet. She was a real trooper—no pizza, no cake or ice cream, no sandwiches or hamburgers. It was basically meat, potatoes and vegetables. Dr. Russo also put Katie on a high dose of prednisone, a steroid that made her face moon-shaped but luckily didn’t cause her to gain weight. After six months, she had a much more favorable colonoscopy, so at least she could stop taking the prescription. Her periods resumed; her stomach returned to normal and her fingernails and toenails gradually grew back. I think it was during this time that Katie realized she was stronger than she thought she was. She could endure things other kids her age couldn’t even imagine. She was often told by her peers that they could never do what she was doing—this made her feel more confident in her abilities.

To get a second opinion and because Cincinnati Children’s Hospital was known for its cutting edge research on Eosinophillic Disease, we scheduled a day’s worth of doctor visits for Katie in the summer after her sophomore year. The doctors there seemed to think the food allergy readings on her blood tests were abnormally high because of all that was going on in her digestive system. They didn’t think, although they couldn’t say with certainty, that the high food allergies were real. They suggested Katie gradually work the forbidden foods back into her diet and keep an eye on any symptoms. They also did some genetic testing to see if Katie had the known genes for Juvenile Polyposis Syndrome—she did not. All that meant was we didn’t even know for certain that the JPS diagnosis was accurate. An even more obscure diagnosis of Cronkhite-Canada Syndrome was suggested although it didn’t matter much—the treatment would be the same. After the trip to Cincinnati Children’s, Katie’s life returned more-or-less to normal. She ate anything she wanted and had no more vomiting episodes.

Katie was growing into a beautiful yet complicated and sensitive teenager. One of the frequent challenges we had was related to her inability to make decisions. She had some fears associated with sorting through possible scenarios and choosing her best option. Often she wouldn’t commit one-way-or-another because she was afraid of making a “wrong” decision or of disappointing someone. She would wait until the last possible minute to do almost everything—including her homework. This sharply contrasted to my modus operandi as I tend to get things done ahead of time. In actuality Katie taught me that both methods work for different reasons. Sometimes the longer you wait the more information you have with which to make your decision.

During Katie’s first three years of high school, she didn’t perform in many plays. When she was a sophomore, she performed in a play directed by a senior and did very well. During the first half of her junior year, a friend asked her to be in his adaptation of Abondanza, a yearly production that showcases musical talent. She got excellent reviews. In the spring of that year, she had a small part in a play written by a student. But Katie shied away from auditioning for the big, competitive plays. She lacked confidence in her ability and wouldn’t audition unless she knew she was wanted or needed. That was confirmed when Katie showed no interest in continuing with acting after high school.

Because of Andrew’s problems with substance abuse, and to help us learn to deal with our children more effectively, Ed and I joined Families Anonymous. We attended the weekly meetings faithfully and became experts at knowing how our enabling behaviors inhibited our children’s growth. We stopped our nagging and lecturing; we let natural consequences work their magic. We stopped trying to control our children and turned them over to their higher power. We basically got out-of-the-way. Almost immediately we began to see changes in the kids. Andrew stopped blaming others and began accepting responsibility for his failures and successes. At age 21, he actually has plans to start college in the fall. Ali, already quite independent, became even more mature and self-confident. But Katie flowered. She began to see her potential and to work toward some pretty lofty goals.

Katie was at the age when college and a future career were on her mind. During her junior year, we visited Stephen F. Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas. She expressed an interest in filmmaking and they had an excellent program. We tried to encourage her and let the cards fall where they may. For a short time, Katie was excited about the prospect of going to SFA but as time wore on, her level of interest seemed to fade. In the fall of senior year, she decided to go to Community College for a year and work to figure out her next move. She had some interest in the University of North Texas because, as one of the best music schools in the country, many of her high school friends planned to go there. Because her college entrance exam grades weren’t quite up-to-par, she would have a better chance of being admitted with a year of college and good grades under her belt. But then Katie had another life-changing experience—it was called Senior Showcase. Neither Ed nor I were prepared for what happened next.

Ali and Andrew hadn’t performed in Senior Showcase so we were relatively clueless about it. On a Saturday before the Christmas break, representatives from colleges with Theatre majors came to Booker T. to audition any student who might be looking for a prospective college. After the kids performed their monologues, the representatives indicated their interest by posting names on a callback list. The more callbacks you got, the more they liked you. Katie was amazed as she got 10 callbacks! Up until then, I don’t think she thought she was very good. We certainly didn’t know how good she was because we hadn’t seen her perform much. At Senior Showcase all that changed. Two Universities—Houston and Ball State—were especially interested in Katie. They persuaded her to visit and attend a second audition after the Christmas holiday.

Meanwhile, Katie had another procedure planned in early December. During the summer she had swallowed a pill-cam that indicated she had a very large polyp in her small intestine. Dr. Russo was particularly concerned about this polyp because of its size and position. There was a chance the polyp could be cancerous. The procedure was called a balloon enteroscopy. By snaking through the small intestine, it was hoped the polyp could be reached and removed without the need for surgery. It was slightly risky as there was a possibility the intestines might rupture causing bleeding which would need to be repaired surgically. Thankfully, the procedure was a complete success—the polyp was removed and there was no cancer evident. Katie suffered through the prep and procedure courageously.

On Valentine’s Day weekend in 2009, Ed, Katie and I visited the University of Houston for a day’s worth of informational lectures, tours, auditions, and talk-backs. We were all so impressed! Even though the University of Houston is a very large school with some 34,000 students, the Theatre Department is a small, warm and welcoming place. There were some 20 students auditioning that day, but we discovered that Katie would be competing with approximately 80 actors for a total of 24 spots. Some of the things that impressed us were the small size of the classes, the fact that everyone is required to audition for each play, and the friendliness of the teachers and students. We also liked the school’s proximity to Dallas and the fact that it is relatively inexpensive as far as colleges go.

Two weeks later, Katie and I flew up to Cincinnati on a Friday morning. We spent the blustery and frigid day with my sister, Carla—eating lunch which consisted of our favorite chicken buddies and cheese fries at Mt. Adams Bar & Grill and then later surfing the internet in her toasty apartment. That evening Carla and I painted the town while Katie rested so she would be ready for her audition in the morning. We rose at 4:30 a.m. in order to leave by 6:00 a.m. to be there by 8:00 a.m. Of course, Katie slept most of the way there while I, who hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep, struggled to get us there on time.

We did manage to find where we needed to go when we needed to be there. After coffee, donuts and a short warm-up class for Katie and roughly 80 other kids, we were treated to a performance by the dance and musical theatre majors. Wow—what talented kids! To say that we were impressed would be a vast understatement. We found out pretty early on that there were 16 slots available in the Bachelor of Fine Arts Acting Major with of a total of 200 who had auditioned or would audition that day. I must say the department was top notch. We knew it had a good reputation and that it had produced some very successful actors and actresses. To tell the truth, I didn’t think Katie had much of a chance given the odds. Katie wouldn’t perform her monologues for me so I had very little information about her level of talent. While she auditioned, I took a guided tour around campus. It was about 20 degrees and felt it.

The wait for the acceptance/rejection letters seemed hardly a wait at all. Katie found out very soon and much to my and Ed’s surprise that both schools wanted her. What would she do? It was a very difficult decision for her—one that would surely impact the rest of her life. She knew that Ball State was the superior program but it was more expensive and so very far away. They had offered her a scholarship that consisted of in-state tuition which brought the cost down considerably. But Ball State was still about $3,000 more than Houston without considering transportation costs. To make matters worse, at Ball State Katie was required to maintain a 3.0 GPA—and it was definitely the more challenging school academically.

Meanwhile, Katie had yet one more health challenge. Since she had been back on an unrestricted diet, she had been noticing rashes and itchy patches, most often after eating pasta or Asian noodles. After a trip to Dr. Lange, an allergist who first did skin prick tests on her back and then patch tests that she wore for 72 hours, it was discovered that she is indeed allergic to wheat, barley and rye. She is also allergic to many grasses and trees. Dr. Lange suggested she again eliminate wheat from her diet. Poor Katie—for the time being at least, she can have no pasta, bread, cookies, etc. She won’t even be able to eat her own Graduation Cake! Dr. Lange wants Dr. Russo to do another endoscopy/colonoscopy this summer to determine if her eosiniphil count has decreased because of the wheat restriction. She is worried that if Katie continues to eat wheat, the eosinophills might multiply and affect her esophagus. Katie has been very conscientious about following the rules of her diet. I am very proud of her for monitoring herself. In fact I am proud of her fortitude in the face of her many health challenges over the years.

Back to THE DECISION—Katie, in her indomitable Katie-fashion, took her time and weighed everything carefully. One afternoon when Ali was home, we met up in her bedroom. Since Ali had been through being a freshman and all that it entails, she was able to advise Katie better than I ever could. Distance was the one factor Katie was most concerned about; and Ali assured her that, although it would be very difficult in the beginning, the separation anxiety and loneliness would pass. She would make new friends and the old acquaintances would hardly be missed. Ali and I watched as Katie signed the acceptance letter to Ball State University.

Through these last two years, I thank Families Anonymous for helping me step back and allow Katie to take charge of her own life. By permitting her to make her own decisions, she has gained confidence and become a more independent person. Letting go of my meddling, manipulative, and controlling behaviors has helped both of us. Natural consequences are the supreme teacher. Nothing more need be said.

Never could I have imagined such an outcome for little Katie when I first met her those many years ago. Through all the struggles with her inner demons and health challenges, she has become a more optimistic, caring human being. I applaud her for her discipline and persistence. I applaud her for her ability to face her fears and do her best to dispel them. She has helped me learn and grow as a person and as a Mother. I can’t imagine my life without Katie.
To my daughter, Katie, you are an inspiration to me. I have watched you develop from the toothless, needy child to the confident, beautiful young woman you are today—willing to take risks—no matter what the cost. Katie, you are something else!!